A happy ending without the no-no zone

Our last port of call in Vietnam was Phu My, the gateway to Ho Chi Minh City. Having previously cruised through this port a couple of times, we decided not to make the 90 minute bus trip into the city. As much as I love HCMC, we have seen the majority of the sights previously and spending three hours traveling for a feed and WiFi seemed crazy. Although the lure of Pepper Lunch and super fast WiFi was strong, my tight arse ways just wouldn’t extend to the ship’s US$80 a person bus in.

Instead we opted for the ship’s 40 minute shuttle into the smaller town of Ba Ria. To my disgust (yes over dramatic) the previously free shuttle bus now had a US$15 charge (not a happy ending for a tight arse).

Arriving in the town, things were not looking too promising when we were dropped at a local shopping mall. I’m not sure if the term ‘mall’ was an accurate representation as it consisted of a supermarket and a KFC (possibly Kentucky Fried Cat). My thoughts of a huge shopping Mecca with amazing WiFi was dashed by aisles of washing detergent and hygiene products. Whilst holding maps of HCMC, multiple passengers looked dopey eyed at each other, presumably believing they had caught the bus into the big city. My sadistic side found entertainment from their map turning (doesn’t change holding the map upside down) and desperate search for street signs. I could have been a Good Samaritan and tried to explain but instead I am probably going to hell.

Still in search of shoes for our son, we decided to again brave the prodding and poking of another Vietnamese market. That boy owes us big time and I won’t be letting him forget it! Clenching my handbag (watch out for those bag grabbing scooters riders) we headed off on foot. Some of the dopey eyed, map holding passengers followed us. Probably not their smartest move given we had no idea where we were going. I guess it is safer than repeated map twirling though.

Arriving at the markets (how smart are we with no map?) we found a slightly (I’m being kind) run down building comprising of a range of ‘quality’ tat. Strangely enough (really no surprise), traipsing through stall after stall of copy products resulted in failure to find the shoes again. A wander through the food markets (hygiene questionable, perhaps they should visit the supermarket for ideas) and we retreated back to the supermarket area.

On the verge of retreating to the ship, we had a stroll through the back streets. Our luck turned with locating Highland Coffee Shop where not only was the snack delicious, but the WiFi was fast enough for me to upload the multiple blogs that were mounting up.

Sucking up WiFi without a purchase seemed a bit cheeky (remember I am already going to hell today) so we bought a couple of drinks. Panic of karma (maybe I should have helped the dopey eyed) struck as it arrived full of ice. Rule number one in Vietnam is to refuse ice. Only time will tell if my consumption of ice will result in the ice expelling in an unpleasant way.

Still sucking up the WiFi, I phoned the son to advise him of our shoe failure. Whilst discussing our next task of finding a leg and foot massage, he asked me to pass on a message to hubby for him to watch out for the ‘happy ending’ massage. My thoughts are if they can touch the no-no zone whilst massaging his feet then I have been missing something these past 26 years.

For the bargain price of AUD$18 (and no pressure of extra tips) we then enjoyed an hour massage and hubby safely walked away with a happy ending not involving a massage of his no-no zone. Having 25 minutes to wait for the shuttle back to the ship, we decided to try Vietnamese KFC. Given multiple ship crew were there buying their lunch, the fear of cat instead of chicken didn’t seem warranted. Cat or chicken, it tasted 100% better than the KFC at home. Perhaps it was cat!

Certified technologically challenged

There’s nothing like being in a foreign country (Vietnam) and finding that your mobile phone has crapped itself. For technological failure just take an iPhone holding your latest blog and photos, add keyboard failure, inability to open apps, inability to respond to anyone’s comments on your Facebook account because the keyboard won’t work, Siri not being helpful (she is lucky she didn’t get told where to shove it), forgetting your passwords and having them emailed to you only to realise that you can’t open your email because your screen won’t respond to touch, attempting to open your email on your husband’s phone to discover that the email account doesn’t recognise your husband’s phone and wants to send you another email with a security code to authenticate you (explain how that would work if you can’t get into your email in the first place) …….need I go on. 
The short of the story is, my phone is stuffed, I’ve locked myself out of my blog account, I’ve locked myself out of my email account and that award and prize I received years ago for excellence with technology and education should be returned as I have suffered epic technological failure today! Really quite frustrating considering we had some super fast wifi!
So if you are reading this email it means that I have managed to carry around my iPad, retype blogs and also access some wifi in Cambodia, Thailand or Bali.

Now that my rant is over (Simon heard it repeatedly all day) I will get onto the good, funny and sad parts of our day. Having visited Ho Chi Minh last year we were pretty familiar with the city and had our short visit planned out (who would have thought ASD/OCD Tanya would have done that?). Deciding to start the day with some shopping, we headed down to the markets to be greeted with the customary ‘missy missy you buy’. I was especially impressed with the multiple sales men who poked, prodded and flashed poo catcher pants (you know the droopy draw ones) in my directions telling me they would fit beautifully. There must have been something lost in translation as there was no way my big arse was fitting in the small pants they were flinging in my direction. Just like my technological failure, my shoe shopping was also a failure. If I had of wanted some fake Hermes or Louis Vuitton rubber shoes I would have had the possibility of success, but it just wasn’t my day for quality shoes. 

We did however see some lovely offal and seafood sitting out in the 35 degree heat ready to purchase. What a DAMN shame that I don’t have the ability to cook at the moment or I would have really purchased some (NOT). 

Next was the realisation my phone was stuffed and I’m not rehashing my thoughts on that matter. I did however eat my way through desperation and disappointment with lunch at one of our favourite spots. 

Later in the day it was necessary to quench the thirst after dodging traffic and stalking locals in a bid to cross roads without becoming roadkill. We dropped into a little restaurant and Simon was in heaven on discovering that his beer was the same price as my can of soft drink. A few drinks down (he pleaded dehydration) we headed off to the War Remnants Museum only to be propositioned by several Tuk Tuk drivers. I was very tempted to say yes just to see how on earth they intended to squeeze two slightly overweight (heh we have been on the ship for 14 days) people into a single seat Tuk Tuk. Needless to say I would have loved to have seen them attempting to pull us! 

The museum was very similar to the Reunification Palace we had visited last year and reminded us of the atrocities of war and the pointless pain and suffering that is inflicted in the bid for power during war. I walked away thinking that some in the world really haven’t learnt anything and the same mistakes continue to happen. 

By the time we returned to the ship this afternoon, we were tired, hot, smelly and just not in the mood to doll one’s self up in an effort to look fancy. Instead we opted to go to the more casual pizza restaurant on the ship. The pizza was delicious (as was the dessert) and we will definitely have to get back there again before our cruise finishes.

Am I commitment phobic?

Tuesday 15/9
We had an early start arriving in Phu My this morning. This expectation of being up, showered and ready to go at 8am is a tough lark when you’ve grown accustomed to impersonating a lizard by the pool (God help me coming back to the reality of work). It was an overcast start to the day which apparently was thanks to a typhoon somewhere in the country. The positive was that the typhoon had dropped the temperature so that it was just hot, rather than frigging insanely hot. The gods must have been on our side as the rain cleared on our 90 minute bus ride into Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon as the locals call it. The bus escort (a.k.a. Tour guide/cattle herder) was really quite entertaining as he shared information about Vietnam and cracked the oddly translated joke. He nearly managed to change my mind about organised tours (mind you the ‘organised’ was getting us from A to B in one piece).

Did you know that the Vietnamese have their wedding photos taken six months before they actually get married, children go to school until 9pm or that the Vietnamese women wear completely inappropriate winter clothing in summer because they want lily white skin?

The drive into the city wasn’t without excitement. The poor bus driver got pulled over by the police for driving in the wrong lane and we got to see corruption in its finest form. Money exchanged, under the table hand shakes and we were on our way again.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by Saigon. I didn’t have high expectations and had anticipated a dirty, run down city full of thieving villains (the average Vietnamese worker earns US$200 a month). Much to my surprise the city was actually quite beautiful with a blend of old and new and, although our bus escort warned us of four main things to avoid (dodgy taxis, street food, disreputable street tour operators and eating ice), we managed to navigate the city with ease.

Now I use the words ‘navigating with ease’ quite loosely. If you call taking your life into your own hands (white knuckled hands at that) ‘with ease’ then that’s what we did. The traffic is seriously insane with no logical road rules. There’s cars, buses, mopeds, animals and pedestrians coming left right and centre. The game ‘chicken’ comes to mind. You know that game where you hold your nerve to be the last one standing? I had flashbacks from the movie FOOTLOOSE where the boys played chicken on tractors. However, in this instance I didn’t have a tractor to protect me from the onslaught of oncoming traffic, only a rapidly growing thick layer of body fat. Each time I stepped onto the roads, and in some instances even the pavements, I wondered if I’d be the last one standing. We quickly learnt that you just have to commit and keep walking (God help anyone who is afraid of commitment).

If you aren’t willing to commit to getting to the other side then you’ll be standing in the same spot three hours later waiting…… or you’ll be run down by a washing machine toting moped (laugh all you want but I’m serious). I had to laugh at mum. Now I always thought that a mother’s instinct was to protect her child from harm. Stuff that notion, my mum decided she’d always put me on the outside so that I was hit first…..nice one mum!

Rather than do a herded tour today we opted for the transport into the city then five hours to discover the wonders of Saigon on our own. We saw some of the tourist sights (yay for me I paid attention today so you don’t need google), Notre Dame Cathedral, Post Office (yep it’s a tourist sight and is actually a post office), Reunification Palace and City Hall. In the middle of the bustling city I even spotted two chickens hanging out on a street corner (hooker chickens?) and a squirrel hanging on for dear life up a tree (pretty sure he was petrified of the insane mopeds below).

Being a good rule follower I listened quite intently to the bus driver’s four rules for staying safe and kept it in the back of my mind. Note to self: keep in the front of my mind in the future. Focusing on rule two, avoiding street stalls, the first thing I eat is a frozen slushy drink from a mall (what better to cool you on a hot day?). Tasted great, that was until I think about how one makes a slushy. Mmmm isn’t a slushy made of crushed ice? Shit I’ve eaten ice and disregarded rule four!

Epic fail and only time will tell if I will pay for the error of my ways with an uncontrollable loss of bodily functions (memories of my friend Luke on a squat toilet in Japan losing bum control flood back, oops I shouldn’t be giggling). At least I abstained from the Fanny Icecream. I did try a custard cream puff though…..yes more body fat.
Oh and lunch was sizzling chicken from Pepper Lunch. Yes I know it’s Japanese but it’s yum and we don’t have it in Cairns.

We finished off our day in Ben Thanh Market. Asian markets give me the shits (or will that be the ice?) as the haggling back and forth is annoying and you never know if you’re really getting a good deal. No missy, missy here like in Hong Kong. It was a constant mother, mother what are you looking for? Mother mother heh, now I’m wondering if I look pregnant? Yep 10 days of cruising and I’m thinking I could easily pass for five months up the duff. So a few ‘authentic’ Calvin Klein, Polo and Billabong purchases later along with some nauseating stomach churning smells and we were heading back for our lift to the ship. Stomach starts rumbling and panic sets in that I’ve eaten contaminated ice. Mind over matter…..

Back on ship, delicious three course dinner consumed, stage show watched and Simon and I decide to watch the karaoke. Truth being told we could hear a strange strangled cat sound coming from one of the bars as we walked back to our cabin. It was like sitting in a car and driving past an accident and not being able to not look. We were sucked in by the strangled sounds and enter the bar to witness a tiny little 80 year old woman singing New York New York. It was somewhat painful on the ears but extremely entertaining to watch as her eyesight didn’t allow for her to read the words so she was ab libbing. Actually it was more like muffled sounds of someone being murdered with the odd recognisable word. The old biddy rocked!

Another day at sea tomorrow with little hope of laying in the sun since the weather is shit (has it been eating ice?). Next stop Singapore!